Monthly Archives: September 2015

24HoursOfLeMons: Newsletter 2

After the astounding feedback I received from all of you, I shall continue to keep you abreast of our endeavours to win a race very few people know or care about.

Our $250.00 supercar has progressed from being in one piece to being in lots of pieces. Where once we had an interior, there is now enough space to hold a game of cricket, if you ignore all the loose wires and bits and pieces. However, I am told this is progress. In the meantime, Captain Queeg is in Asia driving Lambos and gold Ferraris. Only goes to prove having lots and lots of money does not mean you have any class. Who in their right mind would paint their Ferrari gold? On the positive side, our $250.00 supercar was taken for a run at 120km/h, and most of the wheels stayed on. The air con and the radio refuse to work but the roll cage is in.

LeMons 5

Our fearless leader signed off with: “OK, the car is looking good, but what about the drivers?” Well friends, I am worried. This 24-hour race is a test of man, machine, the local toilets and our pit crew, which unfortunately at the moment is Michael. Anyway, there are months to go, so let’s see what happens. I do not share his laconic attention to timeframe because according to the rules we have until 15th September to get the car ready and that does not give us lots of time. Unlike our captain, my preparations for the race are complete. My race suit is finished and the embroidery on the back looks just fabulous. My helmet has corresponding decals, I have a new pair of Puma race shoes and my CAMS licence is heaven only knows where, lost as only Australia Post can lose things. I may not be allowed to race, but gosh I will look just great.

LeMons 3

24HoursOfLeMons: Newsletter 1

Some of you may have heard about a world-famous race called the 24 Hours of Le Mans. For those of you unfamiliar with this race, the cars cost in excess of millions of dollars, and it attracts some of the best, and in case of ex-Doctor McDreamy (aka Patrick Dempsey), also best-looking drivers around. Well 24HoursOfLeMons is nothing like that. Our cars have a price limit of $999.00, including all that important stuff like roll cages, must be mass-produced, four wheel drive, and legal for Australian roads at the time of manufacture. They must also have a 5-point driver’s harness. These are hugely uncomfortable for the male species, and I hate them as well as they are so restrictive. Also because I am so short, if I do it up and forget to close the driver’s door, I have to undo the whole thing and start again. I am also sad to inform all of you that Patrick Dempsey is not participating.

All drivers must part with $900.00 as an entry fee. This goes towards the hire of Wakefield raceway, ambulances, fire engines, morticians, body bags, and paying insurance for the whole event. Whatever is left over will go to prostate cancer research.

The event will run likes this:

Tuesday 27th October                     Scrutineering

Wednesday 28th October              Race

Thursday 29th October                   Finish the race, scrape the last remaining cars off the tarmac. Clean up, ensuring that bodies (human and vehicle) are not left on the track, and depart. Oh, and whoever is left will get a cheap trophy purchased on eBay for under $1.00.

This is our car. It cost the princely sum of $250.00. It is, or more accurately, it was a BMW 318i. Since it was purchased in South Australia I have not seen it, so cannot confirm that it has an engine.

Our team consists of:

John Connolly, Phillip King, Tom Connolly, Michael McMichael, Dean How and Grant Crofts.

“We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.”