Monthly Archives: May 2014

Stig as a Greek Deity

This picture landed in my inbox compliments of a friend with an equally dubious sense of humour.

In the beginning, there was Chaos. Darkness covered the earth. After Chaos, five divinities came into being. The divinities were: Gaia (mother Earth), Tartarus (Underworld), Erebus (Darkness that covers underworld), Night (Darkness that covers Earth), and Eros (Love). Erebus and Night had same spare time on their hands, and some hanky panky resulted in offspring (I do not think that birth control was invented then). These were Hemera (Day), Phôs (Light), and (a bouncing set of quintuplets) Doom, Death, Misery, Deceit, and Discord, or as we call it today, Government. Discord later had children of her own, and these were Murder, Slaughter, Battle and Crime. To keep things interesting, she left the father’s name off the birth certificates, as you do.

Gaia and Uranus (Yes, I know all the jokes. No more, please. And I don’t know how he got into this story anyway.) had a bunch of kids. The first three were real monsters with 100 hands and 50 heads each. Not your usual baby beauty pageant contenders, so loved by the US. The next four were almost as bad, giants with one eye in the middle of their forehead (Cyclopes) Jeremias (“Power”, usually resulting in destroyed tyres and or engine), Brontes (Thunderer), Steropes (Lightning flash) and Arges (Shining Guy; if you don’t believe me, look it up). Zeus employed Brontes, Steropes and Arges full time in his forge making thunderbolts. Jeremias had a part time job hosting Top Gear and would join his brothers when things needed blowing up.

As this was the time before television with very little else to do, along came the third generation of gods: the Olympians, as they made their home on Mount Olympus. After, Cronos castrated his father Uranus, and set himself up as the King of Heaven. He then married his sister, the Titan Rhea and had a bunch of kids. Unfortunately Cronos kept eating them. And we thought we were the first ones with fad diets. When Rhea was expecting her sixth child, she grew tired with her husband’s weird dietary choices and smuggled the baby to the island of Crete. To satisfy Cronus’s need to devour his own children, Rhea gave him a baby-sized rock wrapped in a blanket instead. Cronos promptly ate the rock and never gave it another thought. The sixth baby was Aurelius Stiggitus Apexus.  Stig, as he became later known, grew up safely on Crete. The Nymphs gave him milk from magical goat named Amalthea and this is why he is all white.

Gaia’s baby, the monster Jeremias, having destroyed all the tyres and engines available on the Top Gear Track, started to create havoc and stole all the thunder and lightning from Zeus’s forge. But Aurelius Stiggitus Apexus had taken control of thunder and lightning, and shot down Jeremias with his thunderbolt. Jeremias’s hopes of terrorizing the universe were ended, but he still needed a job, so he moved to Sicily, where he supplied the volcanic magma for Mount Etna and became a part-time consultant to the BBC.

And this is how we ended up with the picture above. Either that, or somebody had fun with Photoshop.

Why can’t I “build my own car” on the MB website?

Still many, many sleeps to go before my new baby arrives. This unfortunately allows me too much time on my hands to wonder what the colour selection and wheels will look as the package. Add to this the problem that many colours in the showroom do not correctly represents the true colour, great example is the interior of my E Class, I ordered what I thought was grey only to be confronted with a grey so soft it looks off white. Stuck at home recently with bout of flu and being banned from showing my face in the office, well at least until my germs were non-threatening to my co-workers I ventured onto number of websites both official and un-official to play around with the colour selections and wheels available for the AMG. The Mercedes Benz website was about as helpful as HAL9000, “E, I am afraid I can’t allow you to do that.” A thanks guys, White CLA45 AMG with a background in Florida and NY (I am guessing) is NOT what I was after. Car and Driver was a little bit better, but colours look different when photographed in the dark and direct sunlight.

Back to Macintosh to see if they have anything that may give me the overall picture of the options and what they will look like together. So guys, rather than giving me a idiotic watch that tells me how much fuel I have, how about “Design your own car” on your website?

We are all guilty!

This is one of the emails doing the rounds at present. Long-time friend decided that it may make me laugh, it certainly did. So, I am going to share.

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a Woman in a brand new VW Golf doing 80 kms/ph. Her face next plastered to her rear view mirror putting on her make up whilst driving.

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her makeup.

As a man I do not frighten easily….

But she scared me so much I dropped my shaver, this knocked my breakfast muffin right out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into my coffee that I was balancing between my legs, which splashed and burned the most sensitive part of my body. This ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Bloody Women Drivers!!