The year was 1888. Bertha Benz, born in 1849, was 39 years old and had just learned how to drive. Her husband Karl was the eternal tinkerer, and refused to promote his invention. We are talking about the first petroleum car. Karl patented his Motorwagen in 1886. There is a general agreement that this was the ancestor of the modern cars we drive today. What I love about this story is that it was Bertha’s money that funded the design of this prototype. Other inventors of this time had attached an internal combustion engine to a horse carriage, but Karl made the first vehicle designed for an engine. He had three prototypes, and it was the third one Bertha borrowed for her now legendary trip. Think about it. There were no roads as we know them today, and no petrol stations. She had to plan her trip around towns that had apothecary (chemist) shops where she could buy ligroin, a petroleum distillate sold at the time as a solvent and cleaning product.

Karl suffered from depression, and despite the fact that he had three prototypes, being an overwhelming perfectionist, he continued to tinker with his babies, not wanting to promote them until they were absolutely perfect. Bertha was not only the money that bank-rolled Karl, but also a shrewd business woman who understood that if people got to see these cars in action, it would result in success for the fledgling Benz Company.

In a moment of blind faith, she planned her trip to visit her mother some 50 km away. She set out early in the morning and enlisted the help of her teenage sons. Before dawn, they rolled down the driveway so that Karl would not hear them, and set off for Pforzheim. In Wiesloch they stopped at a pharmacy to refuel, making this the very first petrol station. In Bruchsal Bertha had to find a blacksmith to repair a snapped drive chain. In Bauschlott she had a cobbler replace the leather on the brake shoe, making her the inventor of brake pads. Somewhere along the route, she used her hatpin to clear a clogged fuel line and insulated a short-circuited wire with material from her garter.  At another point her boys and few locals pushed the car up a hill since the 2.5 horsepower engine could not make it. She arrived in Pforzheim the same day after dusk. This was lucky, as the car did not have headlights. She informed her husband of their success.

She became an immediate sensation.  People lined the road on her return trip, some fascinated, others frightened by the hissing and spitting horseless carriage.  But the automobile had proved itself to be safe. The rest, as they say, is history.

If Bertha had not had her “screw it, I’m doing this” moment, years later, Karl would have still been tinkering with prototype number whatever. The combustion engine with all its faults would have failed anyway and we could have been driving around in carriages pulled by unicorns.

Driving on Sunday to catch up with friends, this vision appeared not far away from where I live, and for once I was grateful for having an iPhone. I stopped and pulled a U-turn to ensure I was not seeing things. The industrial-sized roll of Gladwrap needed to wrap up the entire ute and the various tool boxes seemed to defy logic. I am still wondering how long it took the poor sod to unwrap his car. Given the time it takes me to find the end of the plastic wrap on my daily newspaper delivery, I do not envy him. I suspect that a Stanley knife was used. I just dread to think what happened if the Stanley knife was inside one of the wrapped tool boxes.

But I am glad to know that the continuing legacy of playing tricks on your friends is in good hands. It’s a natural progression from picking up the old Mini and turning it around to face the opposite direction, or bribing crane drivers to lift your mate’s car on to the top floor of a construction site. The crowning glory was the time we resprayed a uni mate’s 1960s ute, which he’d purchased for $200 and a case of beer. It was a vast improvement on the purchased car, as it had a different colour on each panel. The only glitch was that we sprayed it mauve. What can I say… the local hardware store had a sale on spray cans that nobody wanted. If I remember correctly, “somebody” forgot to mask the headlights, and we may in our enthusiasm have sprayed over them, as well as the blinkers and a few other vital parts. However, this problem was fixed in the first downpour when most of the “detailing” simply peeled off.

According to Grant Agnew, people who use public transport are forced to pay every time they get on a bus or train or ferry, whilst “entitled” car users simply hop into their cars and use the roads for free. Wow, I did not realise how good I have it. Thank you, Andrew, for pointing this out to me. For a moment there I had totally forgotten the tolls I and very other driver pay for using roads long paid for (i.e., Sydney Harbour Bridge). Then there is the car registration, insurance, the taxes I pay every time I fill up my car with petrol, the taxes I pay when I park, and my own taxes that subsidise the public transport you use. Do you think that the price of your bus ticket goes anywhere near keeping the roads maintained?

Whilst we are on the subject of us “entitled” road users, think on this. We have been taxed and taxed again and again whilst our prospective governments have promised that these taxes will make public transport better, the roads safer, blah, blah, blah… only here we are, years later, public transport fixed, well, “fixed” by the NSW government in a way no sane person can understand, roads remain clogged and the speed limit in the Sydney CBD will be reduced to 40 km per hour. This will be a huge improvement for all of us drivers who travel into the CBD because the best we ever manage is about 10 km per hour if we are lucky. The Cross City Tunnel is a puzzle for all us drivers, because if there is an accident on the bridge, we need to drive half way to Double Bay to enter it, so we just give up and stay in the grid lock. It sort of defeats the purpose.

NT is trialling a No Speed Limited section on the Stuart Highway, north of Alice Springs, for a period of one year. Good on the NT government. When I worked for Shell, Alice Springs was my base and I remember this piece of highway well. The tyranny of distance experienced by people who live in the Alice and any other satellite town where people need to drive for hours makes this trial a winner in my books. I remember marvelling at the mileage clocked up by the people I worked with. For them it was nothing to go to Adelaide for the weekend, which is a 3,000-km trip. I get all excited when I go to Wakefield and manage over 1,000kms in one month. The average person from Alice does this by Wednesday, as the saying goes. Needless to say, we will have the usual panic merchants making predictions of mass mayhem and thousands of deaths before the year is out. I just hope that this trial is not carte blanche for idiots wanting a drag race track. The NT police have a fairly short fuse when it comes to morons. Just because you are really, truly brilliant on Xbox sitting on your lounge with a toy steering wheel in your hand does not mean you know what to do when you run into trouble in a real car.

I remember one trip traveling to Yuendumu, late afternoon, brilliant clear day with the sun shining on the red sand and sky so blue it looked photo-shopped. I spotted a black kite flying very low, heading straight for the front windscreen of my car. He looked so majestic and beautiful. I am a city dweller, so common sense when driving in the country is not second nature to me. The kite was so low I could see his claws. It never occurred to me to slow down. Thankfully the bird had more sense than I did and just before bird met windscreen, he gracefully glided on the slipstream and left me in awe of his beauty and flying skills. When I relayed the story to the road train drivers back in Alice they pointed out to me that if I had hit him, the force would have driven both me and the bird into the back seat of my rental car. I stress yet again that the bird had more brains than I did. I just imagined the kite’s conversation at the next lizard lunch on the side of the road: “You should have seen this dumb blonde, eye big as plates, as I glided over her car.”

Reading the weekend Financial Review, I nearly choked on my coffee. Extremely well-hidden was a rehash of Bloomberg article headlined “Ferraris race off lot.” Hagerty, a US-based classical car price database, was reporting that rare Ferraris surged by 62% in 2013. Apparently a dilapidated 1956 Gullwing estimated as being worth $1.2 million fetched $1.9 million. The new owner will need another $500K to make it roadworthy.

After a quick search on the Hagerty website, I found that a Tatra 603 circa 1960, the favoured official car of the old communist plutocrats will now fetch between $70,000 and $80,000. My now very much ex-boyfriend restored one of these ages ago. When the time came to have it registered and get new number plates, the guys at the RTA office proved they had a sense of humour. As he was waiting for the number plates to be allocated to him (this was back in the early 1980s, before IT truly hit its stride), he realised that it was taking an extraordinarily long time. He walked up to the counter and enquired what was taking so long.  The supervisor could not help him, but promised that the people involved were not out the back having a smoko. Everything became clear when two very dust-covered customer service guys emerged from what must have been the bottom of the stock pile of available number plates, and proudly handed my ex this number plate in the old yellow background and black alphanumeric: “KGB 009”.

So, on the occasional slow day when the Financial Review runs out of superannuation, corporate governance and the usual doom and gloom and everything else to do with our economy, they may actually print the occasional story about what great investments classical cars truly are. This does not, however, mean that the Toyota Kluger my neighbour purchased all those years ago washed once in 2009, will be worth millions in 50 years’ time. But then again, what do I know?

My own faulty really. I told my friends about ordering the new CLA45 AMG and the subsequent “waiting period of 12 months.” Needless to say, they are all milking it for what it’s worth. Promises and threats of sending me emails with a daily countdown became reality, so the delete button is now my most trusted ally.

One friend who shares my birth place pointed out that in the old Eastern Block when it was under the Communist regime, you had to bribe officials to only have to wait seven years for your new car. We are not talking about custom- made cars here; this is how long it took for delivery of a new Trabant or Skoda Octavia, and this is before Skoda was brought out by VW. We are talking about cars that would fall apart before they left the factory. Spare parts had the value of saffron spice and were just as readily available. My Teutonic grandfather’s favourite joke went like this: Mr Novak saves the required 50% deposit for his Trabant, plus supplies the required under- the-table bribe to assorted communist party officials to secure his place in the queue. The following month he receives an official letter advising him of the date he can collect his new car, say 28th February, seven years in the future. In panic, he runs to the official’s home to ask if he can delay the pick-up by a day. The official looks at him sternly and reminds him of the trouble it took to secure this date and asks what is so important that he cannot pick up his new car on the allocated day? Mr Novak nervously replies that he cannot be available on the 28^th February seven years in the future because the plumber is booked on the same day.

Did I mention that you did not even get to select the colour of your new car and the only extra was a radio that was usually stuck on the government propaganda station? Think George Orwell’s 1984.

For me this whole thing is not exactly any heartache. I have a beautiful car anyway, so about 307 days until the new one arrives is not going to kill me. Plus, my plumber is available whenever I need him. However, I see that the delete button on my keyboard may wear out before long.

Mezzie and I were introduced on 22^nd December last year. She is a gorgeous little MX 5 and I am in love. Ok, Ok, I am contradicting myself here. I know that I said that all cars are Him rather than Her. However executive decision made and Mezzie is a Her and most importantly she has ABS brakes. After number of sessions with Boz it become very obvious that my driving is well and truly deteriorated so much with all the gadgets available on the new cars that I am simply unable to drive on the race track without locking up brakes and just between you and I, I think Bozman was getting tired of ending up on the auxiliary roads of Wakefield facing the wrong way.  Just something about that pained expression on his face had given the game away.

I was the first paying punter to take Mezzie around Wakefield; the steering wheel was so new I ended up with palm of my hands almost black. The four point seat belts are easy to adjust. After the first session Bozman even figured out how to open the electric windows, which came in very handy in the 38 degree heat. Initially blaming the fuse, after our first session he asked me to flick a little “Magical” switch on the right had side of the dashboard and miracle of miracles, the windows worked. Sorry Boz had to put that one in. You can’t always be perfect.

I hope to drive Mezzie next time I am at Wakefield; somehow I don’t like my chances of ever being allowed to take Kermit out on the track. That is OK, I love Mezzie and am happy with that.

Started to look around for a new car. I had my E250 for over 3 years and its time for a change. This car will be hard to trade in. Discounting my SLK this had been a car that I simply loved. Two door, but four seats, so enough space to carry oversized handbag, brief case heavy enough to be compared to medium sized house plus two rear seats that fold down to carry my pushbike to Centennial Park because I am just too much of  coward to cycle on the roads, or is that too lazy? I can never make up my mind what is the truer statement. One of the serious contenders was a Porsche Cayman, took one for a spin and thought that the decision was made there and then. It is truly a fabulous car. The only thing that set a niggling doubt in my mind, it is a two seater with very little room. I know its mid-engine and there is space in the front and back, but memories of my SLK kept flooding back. Don’t get me wrong my SLK was brilliant, but I remembered in winter having to do three runs to the dry cleaners to pick up my dry cleaning. Also memories of a picnic organised amongst friends had people making fun of me for months as all I could carry was a small picnic basket and half a dozen bottles of Moet did not win me very many brownie points. The Moet shut them up, but not long enough. Yes there are four seater Porsche’s and they are fabulous, but out of my price range new and second hand worries me that I could be taking on somebody’s else’s  problems. One of my neighbours has a bright yellow 911T Porsche from the 1980’s and I lost count the amount of times I have seen her broken down on the side of the road. If you don’t look after these cars and maintain them they just turn into a bottomless money pit. So, what else is there? Back to Macintosh just as the new CLA45 AMG become available.  So, here I am eating humble pie, big time. There is a 12 months waiting list, but I am ok with that. I had to wait for all of my Mercs, so no big deal. Just one more thing, having learned the lesson with my E250 the new car is white. Don’t’ get me wrong I am under no illusion that white is easy to keep clean. It’s just that despite my car always being garaged the black is impossible to keep clean. It’s a good thing I love the coffee at Awash.

Thursday 9^th. According to SMH, female driver nearly died after her Audi Q3 seized up and her smart key locked her in searing heat of 41 degrees. The journalist David McCowen reported that the driver could not open the windows or doors and was finally rescued after attracting attention of passers-by. I do feel sorry for the driver, however the comments were something else again. There were calls for the entire smart key technology to be scrapped, issuing drivers with emergency hammers like the ones Emergency services have and one bright spark suggesting that all drivers with the smart key option should leave a spare key in the car. In my car that would totally defeat the purpose as when MB detects the key inside of the vehicle it simply will not lock. Even dropping the key in the boot when unloading groceries will not allow the driver to close the boot. I am unsure if Audi has the same function, but I am sure that most manufacturers allowed for that type of emergency.

Speaking to other people in our office those driving Fords and other makes of cars that have the keyless option we all know how to override and switch to manual mode. So why is this story getting everybody hot under the collar? The other point is the suggestions of carrying a brick or a crowbar to break the windows. Given the size of the average car cabin and the swing you would need to exert enough power to break the new windows, I’ll say good luck. Watching the hotheads at Wakefield and I have seen what happens to windscreens when idiots see the red mist and end up upside down. Brick or a hammer from a distance of 1-2 feet, you have no hope!

Friday 27^th December 2013, SMH story. Mercedes has joined forces with American company Pebble Technology to develop a series of apps linking this hideous contraption with your car.

It says the Pebble watch can act as a “second screen” for your smart phone and “unlocks some interesting features for the connected car”.

“For example, when away from their vehicle, Mercedes-Benz drivers can review important vehicle information at a glance like fuel level, door-lock status and vehicle location using their Pebble smart watch, even when they are outside the vehicle,” Mercedes-Benz says in a press release.

Further to that, when inside the vehicle, the Pebble watch – through vehicle-to-vehicle communication – can alert drivers to real-time hazards such as accidents, road work zones or vehicle breakdowns through its vibrating function.

Hmm, I am not too sure where to even start. Needing to know how much fuel is in the car when you are sitting in a very boring meeting is just simply way to keep yourself from falling a sleep. What on this Gods Green Earth are you going to do about it? It’s not like you can go out at lunchtime and buy a 10 litter container of Shell Premium 98 to get you home.

Vehicle to vehicle communication, how about communicating with the moron who changes lanes and uses the indicator after the fact. Once this communication option is available I am happy to be one of the first to have this in my car. However I have serious doubts that Mercedes will allow me to “communicate” what I really think.

Come on guys, if you are serious about useful things, how about a longer lasting battery in your car keys. Keyless entry is a great option, but it runs the battery down so quickly you almost need to carry a spare car key to ensure you don’t end up stranded in the middle of nowhere.